Emotions

by Hellamental

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about

This has been the most eventful year of my life.

One year ago I left everything behind and moved to Kauai. There were a million reasons to leave, and just as many to stay, but I was tired of the complacence and the repetition. I was tired of being aimless and not knowing who I was supposed to be. It was the scariest thing I have ever done, and without question is the most important decision i've ever made. I didn’t stay as long as I planned. I left abruptly and probably for the wrong reasons, but going to Kauai taught me the importance of goals, and the necessity for a plan. If you have nothing to work towards, you have no purpose. So when I left Kauai, I made a new plan. And even though it didn’t end up exactly as I had hoped at the time, as I reflect on it a year later, i'm happy where I am in life and wouldn’t take back my decision if I could. It was a long fucking journey, with a lot of phases and detours and events I couldn’t have ever imagined, but that’s life right? Shit happens.

Music for me has always been an outlet; a language with which to express those feelings that we don’t have words for. I joke that I make music for me, and that I just let you guys listen to it, and I guess that’s true on some level. That’s how this album came about in the first place. But there’s another part of me that feels that if I, as a musician can do for one person what music has done for me in my life, then I have an obligation to learn and improve and evolve until I get good enough that it does help someone, somehow.

Emotions started with one song, one note, and really before that it was about a girl. It was a feeling that I couldn’t describe, to myself, let alone her. So how do I explain it? That emotion became "every single second" and that’s when it came to me: the Emotions EP. Three tracks expressing three different emotions that I couldn’t describe in words. Then it became 4. Then I added an interlude. Then I decided to write poems inspired by the songs. Then it became 5 songs and an interlude. Then 6. It became a sonic recreation of my entire past year. The ups, downs, adventures and mysteries. Everything I’ve felt this year is between these notes and rhythms. Its a tangible representation of my soul.

I had my work cut out for me. I'd get frustrated when things wouldn’t work. Writers block. Earaches. Distractions. At one point I almost scrapped the whole thing. But then id be jamming on something hip-hop and get inspired and go in and add something new and it would give birth to an entirely new song. I love that shit. I was painting pictures with the music. Creating dramatic scenes, tragedies, comedies, movie-kisses and twists and turns. I was letting the songs paint new pictures when I heard them back, and then writing those pictures down on paper. Sometimes it rhymes, sometimes it doesn’t. But poetry is anything intended to be poetry.

So here we are. It’s been a year to the day since I stood on the beach in Kauai for the first time. A lot has happened sine then. I’m a new person. A better one, I think. I’ve met some really awesome people this year. The best people I’ve ever surrounded myself with. I’ve dealt with stress. The reason I went to Kauai in the first place. I’ve dealt with responsibility. Vie dealt with bliss, and also loneliness. Fear and comfort. Acceptance and denial. A year full of, well, a little of everything.

Right before I left last year I released the MSX EP, my first official release. Then Generating Lift came about 6 months go, while studying music at
Shoreline. That makes Emotions the 3rd album. Once a year for the last 3 years. They were all different phases of my musical self. And they really are drastically different. The word maturity comes to mind. I feel like I'm maturing the more I work. I am confident in saying/truly believe that this is the best music I’ve ever made. There have been some gems this year, singles that I fell in love with, but nothing as cohesive and conceptual as Emotions. It’s my crowning achievement as a producer and I’m really proud of it. I was proud of Generating Lift, last year, and even MSX when that came out. So that means I’m evolving with the music, and really, look how far I’ve come in this last year?

I’m not trying to do what other people do. There are so many fucking dubstep producers its ridiculous. Its such a soulless genre and really doesn’t convey any emotion. It just builds and drops and builds and drops and samples the sound of Optimus Prime’s sleep apnea mask when it’s running on full. Its become diluted. But I used to be way into it, and spent so much time trying to learn to make it that the influence is still there in my newer songs. I’m trying to get back to hip-hop. That’s my root as an artist. So we’ll speed it up a bit and spend more time on the arrangement than nothing but the drop. I like being versatile. I like how different every song is. Because all of those emotions are unique, never felt by anyone but me. And if you somehow possess a magical gift that lets you interpret these songs as Emotions, and somehow feel what I felt, you’re going to enjoy this album as much as I do. Thank you all for your support. I would probably still make music even if no one listened to it, but it’s really dope when you actually do like it. It makes me feel good. So keep doing that.

This album is dedicated all over the place. First, to everyone I’ve gotten to know or spent time with this year. You all had a hand in this album, and if I wasn’t so tired I would list all of your names because I’m that proud of knowing you, but you know who you are. Second, I dedicate it to everyone that I used to hang out with but don’t anymore. I miss those times, so much. But people grow and grow apart. And finally, to the great state of Montana, for two things. The first is for saving my summer from a terrible boring mess of wasted sunny days and lonely nights of smoke and music. The second is for giving me a new plan, and a new goal; a new something-to-work-towards. I’ve been productive this year, and its because I’m inspired to live more than I ever have before. And I hope that next year, when I release my next album, around this same time, that I’m as happy with my life as I am right here and now. Enjoy.

credits

released September 2, 2011

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Track Name: Parhelia
This is poetry in prose
Sick of all the girls who are ashamed of their toes
if only you could feel this
If you only knew what I know
Long blond wavy rays of sunlight
A little timid, sweet, but frigid
Spoken notes penned
and exchanged by brains half dead
even in darkness your sun still shines
and somehow I know its all going to be just fine
And when the light comes in the morning
It hides behind a cloud
because the sun is jealous of you
And you hide behind anything you can
because that’s just what you do
We are defined by action
Not what you think or say
But what you do
And im alone helpless
But I call this hell bliss
Because at least I have your image in my head
Its being trapped in a cage
Where the keys are hanging on the wall
Taunting you
And just out of reach
But what if the cage isn’t holding you in?
What if it’s the world trying to keep you out?
So when I sit back down to think
The bare skin of my back is pressed against the cold steel
And I close my eyes
And tune out the rattle of the cage
And feel
I feel seeing your smile
And how much warmer you make a room
Those moments pass so fast
And like fresh cut grass
I wish that smell would never pass
And I only wear a watch when we’re together
Because when you count the seconds
Time seems to last forever
And you’ve seen that man in gray?
The one who only walks on cloudy days
Well he said to me with a grin,
Someday it will all be yours, nothing like it was before
someday it will all make sense
back inside the cage, the steel is warm now
and im on a beach
eyes out of focus
trying to reach the horizon
that Parhelion on the right
it brings the best light
and the one on the left
finally disappears
and as the sun finally sets
the sky starts to bleed and cry
with the most beautiful colors ive seen in my life
but I cant help but look away
to stare at the picture I drew of you in the sand
Track Name: The Well
This air is cold
These four walls wont even speak to me
My soul begins to overflow
Just words with nowhere to go
Imaginary whispers making me shiver
Theres noone else here to see the lights flicker
the world feels like this room
empty
only bigger
someone would be a sunrise
warm skin, electrocution
the pain of scalding water
leaves scars forever
but warms the winds icy breath
when I close my eyes
this night turns to day
and this walking, talking cadaver is jolted awake
but its cold inside this coffin
and theres no room to move
my arms are stuck to my sides
until that sweet, precious moment
when someone pries it open from the outside
so I’m trapped until then
just a ghost
haunting a place that noone ever goes
where the air smells like desperation
and I cant get this horrible taste out of my mouth
so where do I go from here?
At the bottom of a well
I cant climb up
without sliding back down
walls that wont even look at me
wishing for a hand to pull me out
grasping at the empty air
for a hand to pull me out
Track Name: Kan't Care
Youre all alone
And the air is cold
Its almost midnight
And the only light that’s left in sight
Radiates from underneath the door on the right
But you cant seem to turn the knob
because youre scared that it’ll be too bright
And you can feel it in your chest
Bang bang bang from behind the door on the left
But your palms are wet from tears and sweat
And you cant help but remember what she said
You’ve been alone this entire time
Bleeding ink, line after line
Searching for anything to tell you why
Looking for a reason to leave it behind
But the colors aren’t making sense
Youre Looking through a different lens
You made a promise to yourself
To never come back to this place again
But that stack of letters you never sent
Are addressed to you like they’ve always been
So now you plan to hand deliver
A series of words and scribbled shivers
The thought alone makes your top lip quiver
So you find the closest, coldest river
And drown the things you’d die to give her
Because time is the tide
It comes and goes
just let it die
Because its out of your control
So you stand at a crossroads
Staring at two doors
And you have to choose
Which one is yours
The left is meant to be behind you
And on the right is the light that’s you know is inside you
You hear the banging but its not a fist
Its just your heartbeat, clear and crisp
You thought youd give it as a gift
In a box with a bow and signed with a kiss
But that was then and this is now
dwelling on the past is not allowed
caring for free costs more than youd think
but being carefree is the missing link
just walk away
let her stay
she’ll try to get you back someday
just dry your hands
be a man
and open the door
its when you cant care
that you know you can
Track Name: Every Single Second
I bet you used to daydream a lot
Staring out a window
the same day coming and going over and over again
you couldn’t wait to fall asleep that night
When you could finally close your eyes
And see a sunset painted with colors that you made up in your mind
And one day you knew that it was time
But the more time you spend
On roads that never end
The harder it becomes
to travel alone
Now, for the things you leave behind
You’ll probably miss them for a little while
But In the process you will find
The only thing you need is to believe.
And the boxes full of memories and friendships made of stone
Will follow you everywhere and you’ll never be alone
You’ll never get left outside in the cold.
And we’ll still be friends when you’re old.
And trust me
You’ll see
You really can be anywhere you want.
It’s tough.
You just have to want it bad enough.
So take my hand
Lets close our eyes and make up new colors in our minds
and when we’re done we’ll make the sun rise.
And every single second that I have your hand in mine
Is a second I’d re-live until the end of time.
Track Name: Mirrors
I’m here in this jungle where its always night
Those 3 moonbeams are the only light
Imprisoned by thoughts, her fever I caught, but not another poor soul in sight
This old torn up dirty page
That I was given at a younger age
Taunts and teases and lists all the reasons that these memories will never fade
And on the other side it reads
That I know the path to the free
But the only map is tattooed on my back and all of the mirrors were shattered by dreams
I’m here in this jungle where its always night
When out in the distance I see a light
So I sprint through the brush, my soul in a rush,
the canopy dances underthree moonbeams
And that light’s getting closer it seems
When all of the sudden I collapse with a thud and awake on a rock near a stream
I still cant see through the night
There’s less than three moonbeams of light
And just when I think that the water is safe to drink, I feel my organs turn white.
The whispers grow louder and louder
My fingers, they crumble to powder
That’s when I was told “youll always be alone, every time that you think you’ve found her.”
So now I had to decide
It gave me the power to make the sun rise
And those first rays of light were the most beautiful sight that I ever have seen with my eyes
Would the world become lovely again
As soon as I forget about the end
And start accepting the fact that I’m all that I have, is that where my story begins?